Monday, February 26, 2007

Crying Silent Tears

I do not proclaim to have the worst of life
Yet I cannot deny and ignore the pain that is right inside my heart
I do not wish to go into self-delusion
Yet a part of me says, its no use keeping that faith anymore

Is it something that I did?
Or perhaps something I did not do.
Is there really nothing I can do to keep them together?
Or perhaps I have not tried hard enough.

I want to cry, so hard
But I cannot cry anymore
I want to wail, so bad
But the rational side of me says, tears will not turn back time

So here I am, with my senseless blabbering
In a state of helplessness
Crying silent tears

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Long-Awaited Death Sentence

Today, the Wife finally told the Husband that she wants to end the 26-year long marriage. She said that it has become too painful for her to carry on and that the Husband has not fulfilled his dutes as one for the past years.

I am 26 this year and my parents are going through a divorce. I do not want them to separate but yet, I wonder if they will be happier apart. Am I wrong to think this way? My dad wants me to dissuade my mum but... Am I being unfilial not to want to be part of the fight?

They have been fighting since 8 years ago when my brother was barely 14. For these years, we have been the unwilling parties in unstable waters. We have never been a part of the "happy family together" picture during most of our growing up days. I have always envied my more fortunate friends with parents in a good marriage but... somehow, I have come to a point in time when I have stopped envying. I have come to accept that this is the lot I am born with and I have learnt to make the best of what I have and be happy. I remind myself that I have a close relationship with my only brother as a result of the not-so-perfect marriage between my parents. I console myself that I have good friends who love me. I tell myself I am blessed with a husband who loves me and whom I love greatly... I...

Less than half a year ago, things between my parents miraculously took a turn for the better. A part of me wanted to believe that the change is here to stay but the thought that something else was brewing kept nagging at me....

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Break-Up

3 January 2007 8:55PM
Today is the break-up. It is the day I say Goodbye to him. I know I will miss him greatly in the first 21 days. And why would I not? He has always been there through the good and fun times when I am out chilling over drinks with my friends. He was always a good conversation starter with someone new. For 9 years, he has never once failed me.

Yet, he brought out the worst in me and although I could always count on him to bring me instant relief in times of boredom and stress, the relief was always short-lived. He was harmful in more ways than one; to my body and wallet.

I will not look for him anymore. He shall be a closed chapter in my life.

Goodbye, Nicotine.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

One day...

“One day, if I were to pass away suddenly, id like u to be in charge of notifying d people in my phonebook.” 22 December 2006 10:43 AM

A short message on the mobile phone from my close girlfriend set me thinking about Death. Many of us fear Death. In fact, we avoid talking about Him and almost as if we do not confront Him, he will take a back seat and not bother you and me. The reality of it is that Death knocks on everyone’s door; it is just a matter of time.

If I had a choice, I will choose to let my partner go first before me because I do not want him to experience the pain of losing a loved one. My grandfather must have had it difficult, living alone for the last 20 years before he finally said goodbye to the World.

And when it is my time, I want people to say goodbye to me with a smile, remembering the ways I have touched their hearts and brought joy into their lives. On this note, lets all remember to live each day as if it is the last.

You may not have a second chance to make things good.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Can you hear me?

"What time is your flight?" He asked.

"10." She replied.

They exchanged a look and she left with her daughter to the airport. She was going on a holiday with her colleagues and the look of excitement on her face was hard to conceal.

Married for close to 30 years, it has come to the point where words are few and contact zilch. Ideally, the Husband would send the Wife to the airport, exchange a gentle hug and probably some words of concern. But no, in this household, this was not possible. Or so the Daughter believed.

"Why are things this bad between you and Dad?" the Daughter asked. She was met with silence. Once again, she was not given the answers she has hoped that she would receive.

*****************************************

How would my own marriage be? The future greets me with much uncertainty and intimidates with great complexities. I remember how loving the Husband and Wife were when I was barely eight. I remember how they used to sneak out hand in hand to catch late night movies when they thought my brother and I were fast asleep. I remember how they used to tease each other when they thought I was not looking. I remember... the many many times you looked at each other so so lovingly. These memories, are fading out. Do you remember them? Do you pine over the losses?

Can a broken relationship be mended after both parties have been tormented for close to a decade? I feel for you, Husband and Wife. Have you also asked the same questions before and were met with Silence?

I am learning to forgive you for the hurts you have unknowingly inflicted upon me. Do you know how much I envy those who can go back to a Home filled with love and warmth? Do you think I do not wish to snuggle up to you both, one on each side and cry my heart out when I am troubled? Do you know how much I yearn to belong to a happy family?

I pray that you are learning to forgive each other... I pray for the day I can see you smile at each other. I pray for the day when you realise how much time you have wasted being angry with each other. I pray for the day when you laugh with each other over the many silly incidents you have argued over. I pray... do you hear me?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Crossroads

Here I am, at the crossroads once again.

A gentle nudge is all I need to walk in the right direction. Where and who will this gentle nudge come from? Can I lean on someone for that little push? Or do I have to, once again, depend on myself?

Am I desiring to have this gentle nudge come from someone else instead of myself because I do not want to take on this responsibility? I really do not have an inkling.

I am tired. Drained from putting up this tough front. Exhausted from being strong. I am but a simple girl trapped in a woman's body. It is just me, against the World.

I do not want to fight this lonely battle no more. Can I not? Or is that too much to wish for?

Friday, March 18, 2005

Life is like a Whirlwind

whirl·wind ( P ) Pronunciation Key (hwûrlwnd, wûrl-)n.
1. A rapidly rotating, generally vertical column of air, such as a tornado, dust devil, or waterspout.
2. A tumultuous, confused rush.
3. A destructive force or thing.

How apt. Before I know it, Lunar New Year is over. My birthday is over. Valentine's Day is over. I've been to Shenzhen, Hong Kong and back. I've been out of a relationship and am back in again.

Its 3 months into 2005. But I'm already planning 6 months into the year. It is scary, how time flies. Suppose it seems all the scarier because with the nature of my job, its always deadline-driven, time-sensitive and planning ahead. I wish I had more than 24 hours a day.

I haven't had time to go to the gym. To meet my friends for coffee. To focus on myself. How am I going to find time to study part-time?

Today has been a crazy day. My colleagues haven't been the most co-operative. Sometimes I wonder, whether it is just me. Should there be something I have to improve upon? Reflect on? And change?

Too tired to think. Mind is clogged.